paint

Over the next week or so my husband became increasingly helpful and thoughtful. Morphing into the attentive loving man that I had missed for months, possibly more than a year.

And I became more and more uncomfortable.

I mean honestly, the man told me that he wanted a separation. I wasn’t hearing things, I wasn’t drunk, I was wide awake when he said it. And I made him repeat the words out loud to make sure the he knew what he was saying.

However one week, four meals and a bouquet of flowers later, I came in the house after work one day to find him painting the stairs going to the ground floor.

I spoke quietly, using the voice I reserve for small children holding sharp objects or escaped mental patients wielding incendiary devices.

“What are you doing?” He looks from me to the paint brush in his hand and then back to me.

“Um…painting the steps.”

“Great! Why?”

(more…)

eggs

The day after my husband told me that he wanted to separate, I stayed in bed late. Thinking. Calculating. Making lists in my head. It’s what I do to try to take control of a situation.

My process, so to speak.

Deciding that I needed sustenance in order to figure out how best to handle my soon-to-be status as a separated spouse, I went upstairs to our renovated Brooklyn brownstone kitchen and was greeted by the smell of breakfast and to the image of a bright sunny clean room, with my husband puttering around. When he saw me he smiled.

He smiled.

If this had been any other morning, I would have smiled back.

“Good morning!” He moved so quickly to kiss me I almost didn’t kiss him back.

I stood there taking in the whole scene, and wondered for one brief minute if I’d dreamed the whole separation thing up. But no, that would require me sleeping, which I definitely did.not.do.

(more…)

the beginning of the end

By the fall of last year, even I had to admit that my husband had been having problems. We barely saw each other and when we did we were living more like room mates than husband and wife. It had been going on for quite some time. In fact, my husband had spoken of separation months prior. But in a hysterical fit of panic and fear, I was incredulous.

It’s only been 3 years. How could you give up this quickly? You told me you were going through something, and needed space. I gave you space. What are you saying? What do you want me to do?

He demanded more attention.

I demanded he help pay the bills.

By Thanksgiving it was pretty obvious that things were too far gone for us to fix without help.  I kept trying to talk to him, but he kept dodging me. So I waited until we took my car to the garage for inspection. I pretended that I needed his help and didn’t want to go without him. He was happy to help. I knew I’d only have about 30 minutes while it was up on the lift to get a straight answer out of him.

Or so I thought.

(more…)

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