eggs

The day after my husband told me that he wanted to separate, I stayed in bed late. Thinking. Calculating. Making lists in my head. It’s what I do to try to take control of a situation.

My process, so to speak.

Deciding that I needed sustenance in order to figure out how best to handle my soon-to-be status as a separated spouse, I went upstairs to our renovated Brooklyn brownstone kitchen and was greeted by the smell of breakfast and to the image of a bright sunny clean room, with my husband puttering around. When he saw me he smiled.

He smiled.

If this had been any other morning, I would have smiled back.

“Good morning!” He moved so quickly to kiss me I almost didn’t kiss him back.

I stood there taking in the whole scene, and wondered for one brief minute if I’d dreamed the whole separation thing up. But no, that would require me sleeping, which I definitely did.not.do.

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the beginning of the end

By the fall of last year, even I had to admit that my husband had been having problems. We barely saw each other and when we did we were living more like room mates than husband and wife. It had been going on for quite some time. In fact, my husband had spoken of separation months prior. But in a hysterical fit of panic and fear, I was incredulous.

It’s only been 3 years. How could you give up this quickly? You told me you were going through something, and needed space. I gave you space. What are you saying? What do you want me to do?

He demanded more attention.

I demanded he help pay the bills.

By Thanksgiving it was pretty obvious that things were too far gone for us to fix without help.  I kept trying to talk to him, but he kept dodging me. So I waited until we took my car to the garage for inspection. I pretended that I needed his help and didn’t want to go without him. He was happy to help. I knew I’d only have about 30 minutes while it was up on the lift to get a straight answer out of him.

Or so I thought.

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Welcome.

Hey there. *waves* This is the first of a series of posts about the subsequent end of my marriage. Let’s get one thing out of the way right off. THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT BASHING MY HUSBAND. This is not going to be another blog about some woman wailing about how unfair life is and what an evil man her two-timing spouse is, or how she set fire to all of his belongings stuffed into his late-model luxury car in a vicadin-vodka-induced rage. (Although nothing about divorce is really fair, and I do reserve the right to wail at will). This is also not going to be about how you can “stick” it to your spouse and get him for all he’s worth if you too are going through this process.

This is a recounting, a journal, a memoir of sorts of what is proving to be one of the most difficult times in my life.

Ever.

I’m just starting this journey.

(more…)

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